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5 Intention-setting Ideas to Transform Your Life!

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Say ‘YES’ to you!

Saying ‘No’ to others can create an internal conflict as it challenges cultural messages that encourages and rewards our external focus.  Many of us received conflicting messages as we grew up, such as that we ‘should’ help others or we will be seen as callous but if we ask for help we will be seen as weak or perhaps dependent in a culture that promotes independence as an ideal.  Another conflicting message that we might grapple with inside is when people compliment you as big hearted when taking care of others but denigrate you as selfish if you take care of yourself.  Such conflicting messages can hold us in a space that is ripe for symptoms of anxiety and depression to grow.

It might appear to be contradictory, yet I have learned that saying ‘no’ is actually quite freeing.  It actually was a significant step in transforming my life!

Learning to embrace what is most meaningful to you will not only transform your life, but will contribute to the transformation of the world!  And saying ‘Yes’ to what is most meaningful to you (and saying ‘No’ to others) is not selfish, it is SELF-CARE!

Instead of feeling like you have no control over your life and that you are moving through the world at the beck and call of others, focusing on what matters the most to you and saying no to anything that does not align with that vision will create space to transform your life into one of presence and peace.

I know it can be scary to imagine saying ‘No’ to others, especially to those that we love, so below are some ideas to motivate you to take some small steps forward on your journey of transformation:

  1. Create Space.   When we are programmed to say ‘yes’ to any and all requests made of us, it creates a great deal of pressure to multi-task more, dividing our attention into smaller and smaller pieces that get difficult to juggle.  We overcommit and move into a space of fear of disappointing others when we cannot continue to meet all of those obligations.  We find ourselves always busy, yet unable to be fully present for anything.  We might feel like we are constantly running on a treadmill, not sure if we are heading in a positive direction or just running in circles.  Consider the most recent time you said ‘yes’ to something that you really didn’t want to do.  Reflect on how much time that commitment took to complete, time that you might have done something different.  What would you have done differently in that time that would have felt more fulfilling to you?  When we are able to say ‘no’ to requests that don’t align with our values and passions, we create space to engage with our unique gifts that bring joy to the world through bringing more joy to us!
  2. Reduce Burnout.  When we begin to extract ourselves from the pattern of overcommitting ourselves to others, we reduce the number of times we find ourselves in a double bind.  The double bind of choosing others over choosing ourselves creates an internal stress that simmers below the surface constantly.  That internal stress continues to build over time and creates inflammation in the mind and body.  Eventually, that stress and inflammation presents itself as dis-ease or illness.  Consider for a moment how you might recognize when your mind or body asks for a break.  Do you listen to it or do you dismiss it?  If you are unable to recognize when the mind and/or body ask for a break or you do, but you dismiss it on a regular basis, your body will eventually starts to show signs of it breaking down that can no longer be ignored.  It is inevitable, because we are not superheroes.  We are human beings with limitations and that’s okay!  If you begin to reduce those ‘double bind’ spaces by saying ‘no’ to those things that drain you, you are reducing your risk of burnout and future health challenges.
  3. Deepen Relationships.  Take a moment to think about a time when you felt fully seen, heard and known.  It is in those moments that presence enveloped the connection in your relationship.  The greatest gift we can give others it our presence, yet being overcommitted challenges our ability to be present.  As human beings, we thrive in healthy relationships that prioritize presence through time, attention and attunement.  With this knowledge, we need to accept that our time and attention are limited and, with that acceptance, begin to take steps towards tuning into our own needs and deepening the relationship with ourselves.  From there, it is easier to identify those healthy relationships in our lives, where if we say ‘no’ it will be respected and recognized as an honest response.  Consider practicing saying ‘no’ in one of your healthy relationships to observe their acknowledgement of your response.  Perhaps your response might sound something like “I’m not able to connect with you in this way at this time as it would not allow me the space to be fully present with you, which is what I want to give you because you are so important to me.”
  4. Expand Respect.  I would anticipate that most people value respect and want to be respected.  In order to command respect, it requires us to respect ourselves first.  If we don’t respect our time and boundaries, by saying ‘yes’ to all requests, then others learn to not respect our time and boundaries.  Consider any beliefs you might hold that guide you to respect others by accommodating all requests, yet prevent you from accommodating requests that fulfill you.  Is there a subconscious belief that if you say ‘no’ to others it is rude or disrespectful?  If so, you can begin to challenge that belief by recognizing that always saying ‘yes’ informs others that your time and boundaries are open to be intruded upon.
  5. Find Balance.  Many ancient cultures promote balance as one of the most important core values to hold.  They point to nature as a reflection of that core value, highlighing how nature is perfectly balanced and, as such, is able to bend, rather than break.  Perhaps take some time to sit with and reflect on such a core value.  Does it resonate with you?  Does it call to you?  Focusing on what matters most to you, getting aligned with and living by your core values, brings balance.  When we feel overwhelmed due to being constantly overcommitted, it is THE red flag of being out of balance.  Learning to say ‘no’ is the first step you can take to invite more balance into your life, fostering an environment ripe for well-being that is reflected in your mental, physical and emotional health!

Can welcoming and accepting our unpleasant emotions change an unhealthy relationship to food?

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Growing up, my parents had two different approaches to emotions.  One, my mother, expressed them all the time and the other, my father, never expressed them at all, believing that showing emotion was a sign of weakness.  As I write this, I now know that my household was not all that uncommon.  What I have learned over my life time is that many people struggle to balance their emotional experiences because we were never taught that emotions are natural, universal, and intelligent.  Instead, we were taught that unpleasant emotions were not welcome and somehow had to be controlled!

Being a more “right-brained” human, I tried my best to control my emotions over the years, having internalized the cultural myth that emotions can be controlled.  What tools are available to use in a war to try and control unpleasant emotions?  Exercise? Shopping? Work? Food?  Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes!  Over the years, work and food took center stage for me as my weapons of choice.

I didn’t understand then that those weapons were pointed at me, trying to harm or shut up a significant source of my innate human intelligence, the part of my intelligence that was trying to tell me that my needs were not being met in that moment.  I used those weapons to attempt to distract myself from a sense of overwhelm and loss of control.  Work became a source of comfort for the part of me that wanted to have a voice and food became a source of comfort for the part of me that believed it had just survived a life-challenging event, where it had navigated through the overwhelm and came out on the other side.  Food became almost a reward for making it through each day, with my thoughts saying “You did a good job, so you deserve to treat yourself to a big meal” and my body initially responding to the food intake with a release of tension, almost as if it was thanking me for finally giving it fuel to continue to live.  Now I recognize the need that was not getting met in the moment was comfort!

Before the diagnosis of binge-eating disorder (BED) officially made it into the DSM-V in 2013, I would (and still do) describe my past, unhealthy relationship with food as an emotional eating disorder.  I had bought into the “comfort food” phenomenon, where people seek out certain foods that create a temporary elevation of mood and a sense of relaxation.  It was only after spending time with a compassionate therapist and discovering yoga as a replacement tool was I able to befriend my emotions and my body enough to listen to what they were trying to tell me.  When I gave them “on air” time, I was able to become more aware of how I used food to soothe and distract from facing the fear and feeling the sting of powerful emotions, such as shame and rejection.

It was my own personal journey of learning to sit with my powerful emotions and honor that they serve me that brought my emotions into balance, so they don’t feel so overwhelming and scary anymore (and no longer show up in the most inappropriate places!).  In fact, when I start to feel overwhelmed, it is a red flag to “STOP” and reevaluate what I need to bring back balance.  By welcoming and accepting all of my emotions, I was able to establish a healthy relationship to food, recognizing food as simply fuel for my vehicle, so I could begin to make food choices that might be considered “premium gas” for my body.

It is also my own personal healing journey that has informed my work as a psychotherapist, embracing emotion-focused therapy as my “go to” approach.  What I learned – and share with my clients – is that as humans, we all have emotions and would not want to control them because they inform us, as they are a powerful source of intelligence.  So how excited was I when I read new research that validated my personal experience!  This research confirmed that the experience of unpleasant emotions is among the most accurate predictors for binge eating episodes in BED and individuals with BED often experience difficulties with deficits in emotion regulation.  It looked at the effectiveness of emotion-focused therapy to reduce the reliance on an eating disorder as an emotional coping mechanism and the evidence is emerging for the benefits of EFT for BED!

If you would like to read the full research article, click the link below:

Emotion-focused therapy for Binge eating disorder

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Support Our Connection to Nature

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“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” — Anonymous
My sense is that Mother Earth is trying to get our attention.  With the floods in South Asia, earthquake in Mexico, and Hurricane Harvey and Irma, she is shouting at the top of her lungs! And I, for one, am listening.

With the fall equinox upon us this week, it is a great time to contemplate our connection to nature and in our own small ways, begin to set intentions to strengthen that interdependent bond.  Both equinoxes, spring and fall, are times when there is a balance between light and dark.  Between the fall equinox on Friday, September 22nd and the winter solstice, on Thursday, December 21st, days in the Northern Hemisphere will give way to longer nights.  Mother Earth begins her journey into the quiet darkness of night where nature moves into a stage of inner preparation.  Animals prepare for hibernation.  These outward signs offered by nature can guide us on our continued journey of transformation.  And if we each do our own inner preparation, embracing the quiet darkness within, we’ll discover new ways of being that may be more in harmony with the cycles of nature and supportive of the larger web of life.

Below are some intentions to contemplate at this time of year to demonstrate to Mother Earth that we are listening and are open to honoring our connection to her:

  1. Balance.  The word “Yoga” means union, or to yoke or join, and suggests that in uniting or joining opposites, such as light and dark, we bring balance, wholeness, and peace to our bodies, minds, and consciousness. When we reject the darkness, we are rejecting parts of ourselves that are simply mirrors for us to use in reflection.  Plan to spend some time in reflection, looking deeply into the mirror, seeking the light in the darkness and the darkness in the light.  Ask yourself if there are parts of yourself that scare you, invite them to sit with you awhile and get curious about why you might be rejecting them.  If we reject a part of ourselves, such as our angry part, this part provides just as much fuel to what moves us as the parts we accept in ourselves.  In fact, our rejected parts tend to pop up as uninvited guests sometimes at the most inopportune moments because we have not integrated them into our view of self as a whole and balanced being having a human experience.
  2. Cleanse.  As the trees begin to drop their leaves, let it inspire you to turn up the heat under your practice of Satya, which is the active pursuit of truth. Satya is one of the Yamas of yoga, which guide us in how to interact with others, which is a reflection of how we treat ourselves.  This practice requires us to loosen our grip on what we think is truth, because it most likely is simply our – or someone else’s – opinion.  So, one idea is to listen for any judgments that come up at this time, especially when it is towards another and watch how that judgment guides your behavior.  Again, get curious about the judgment, asking yourself where did it come from and do I really believe it, and if you discern that it didn’t come from you (instead it came from someone else or it is a societal message) and you don’t really buy into it, visualize it being washed away.  Then you might ask yourself how might you respond differently in that situation moving forward now that you have gained some clarity around what you believe is true.
  3. Let go.  Create space for yourself by planning to take a Restorative Yoga class this month.  This yoga practice focuses on our parasympathetic nervous system, the “relaxation and digestion” response in the body.  Poses are supported with props, such as blankets and bolsters, and are held for a minimum of 10 minutes, to provide enough time for the body’s activation system to turn off.  The signal to the muscles is “let go” and soften to bring balance to all of “the doing” found on our schedules.  When this practice is integrated into our schedule on a regular basis, it begins to show up off of our mats when we find ourselves letting go of thoughts and deeds that no longer serve us, others, and the world!
  4. Honor the Void.  To support your practice of Satya, consider starting a meditation practice to help quiet the mind and create space between your thoughts.  Most of us try to distract ourselves from our thoughts as they are often critical and judgmental of ourselves.  When we meditate, we don’t try to stop our thoughts so much as we create space around them, to allow us to drop beneath them and not be under their control, as they tug at us to engage in the conversations of the mind.  In the space between our thoughts, we are able to connect to our inner light that is intimately and eternally connected to source, reminding us that we are divine, perfect beings living in a imperfect world.  Meditation does not need to be hard – simply start out by taking 1 minute a day for a week to stop, bring the awareness of the mind to your breath, and actively lengthen both your inhales and your exhales. Then maybe explore the many free meditation apps available and find one that you like.  As you continue your practice, the space created in the mind invites in more peace, enabling you to share that peace with others, including Mother Earth, more readily.
  5. Practice Pranayama.  Pranayama is Sanskrit for the practice of controlling or channeling your essential life force energy in your body.  Prana, or life force energy, floats on the wave of your breath, so simply sitting for a moment to watch your breath, sensing where you feel your breath in your body, and working to expand and lengthen the inhales and/or exhales  has you on your way to awakening the energy and tuning into your own cycles of life. With each breath that you experience with awareness and control, the mind is drawn back into alignment with the heart in the body, supporting mind, body, and spirit health.  The basic yogic – and human – breath pattern is described as a 3-part breath, with the inhale expanding the belly, then the ribs, and then the collarbones and the exhale releasing from the collarbones first, then the ribs, and then the belly.  If your mind would prefer, you can simply silently count to yourself, maybe starting with a count of 4 for both the inhale and the exhale, and then working slowly towards a longer count, maybe a count of 6 or 8.  This pattern of controlled breathing actually helps the body and mind to reconnect to the natural rhythm of breath that our babies experience, before life weighs down on us, causing us to hold or shorten our breath cycle.  The longer our breath cycle, the longer our cycle of life!