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5 Intention-setting Ideas for Sweeping Away What No Longer Serves

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What are you planting in the soil of your mind this spring?  Is the garden of your mind full of weeds?

Taking time to clean our homes after a long winter’s nap is an annual tradition that crosses many cultures, including Persian, Jewish, Japanese and Judeo-Christian among others.  This tradition of renewal has roots in neurochemistry as well as spirituality.  Our homes, though, may not be the only spaces that could use a good cleaning.

Our minds are very cluttered too, especially as we try to navigate a multi-tasking addicted world.  Our brains are not wired to do two things at once and, when we try, it simply means we are not giving our best to the tasks at hand.  Over time, multi-tasking sets us up for inevitable failure, which can over time pollute the soil of our minds.

Therefore, this spring, I would like to support your efforts to weed the garden of your mind.  Below are some ideas for reducing the toxins in the soil and creating space for your authentic self to bloom:

  1. Volunteer.  Volunteering for a cause you feel connected to can bring you a different perspective, supporting the both/and way of thinking.  We live in a dualistic either/or mental world that drives us to compare, compete, and separate, supporting disconnection and distress.  Ancient traditions guide us to see the world in a different, non-dualistic way that supports connection and inner peace.  Holding two seemingly different perspectives in the mind at the same time can act as great fertilizer for creating space for mental growth.  Volunteering can provide you with an opportunity to practice this non-dual thinking.  Consider volunteering and when you find yourself viewing aspects of the experience as contrary or conflictual, pose the question “Might both perspectives be true at the same time?”  If you can hold both in your mind at the same time, it expands the mind’s ability to declutter itself of constricting beliefs (aka weeds) and plant seeds of curiosity, acceptance and connection.
  2. Identify triggers.  When we experience uncomfortable sensations in the body and powerful emotions come up, it’s a sign that our natural adaptive fear response has been triggered for human survival.  It is mission critical to honor our survival responses to fear (i.e., freeze, fight, flight, faint/flop, fawn/friend) because they are immediate, automatic, and instinctual responses to potential life threatening experiences.  Accepting and understanding them as such goes a long way to releasing the sense of power they have over you.  Consider beginning the process by simply identifying your triggers.  When you notice that you have been triggered (and it won’t be in that immediate moment, give yourself some time to reflect after the body and mind reconnect), write down what was going on right before the body sensed the threat.  Then see if you might be able to identify how the body responded to the threat in that moment – did it freeze, did it run away and hide, or did your people pleasing part step forward?  No response is bad, remember it is automatic and adaptive to survival.  And your body might respond to different threats in different ways.  Can you also hear the voices in your head that say things to you like “You’ll never be good enough.” and/or “You’re not worthy of love.”?  If so, write those negative beliefs down, and congratulate yourself as you have just been able to identify the weeds that are strangling your garden from growth!  The more you are able to identify your triggers and the weeds that have grown in the toxic soil of fear, the less likely those parts of you will get behind the wheel of your car to drive your life.
  3. Set Boundaries. The inability to say no to others is a weed that grew from the fear response of fawn/friend and often is the mask of our people pleasing part.  Our people pleasing part comes from a place of wanting to be accepted by others to create a feeling of belonging.  Belonging is a normal human desire and protects us from outside threats.  Yet, the fear of not belonging drives our authentic self underground into that toxic soil of our minds.  Consider practicing saying no to others to say yes to yourself, starting small.  It will be important to recognize that the fear of disappointing the other person will be present, so I offer the mantra of “Say no, so others grow.” to support your efforts.  Remind yourself that the fear of disappointing will pass, creating space for both you and others to grow.  Then, after saying no, watch what unfolds afterwards.  Write about the space you created, noting how both you and the other person grew!
  4. Practice Gratitude.  The human brain develops in a way that starts with the survival responses first and then finishes with the growth of our ability to rationalize our experience.  So both the emotional and logical parts of our brain are intelligent!  Yet, the survival parts of the brain are the most powerful, as they are designed for the survival of the human race.  Therefore, we need to actively invite the engagement of the logical mind that is able to identify the positive aspects of awareness and understanding to balance the emotional fearful negative bias of the brain.  Consider practicing gratitude as a way to support that balance.  Research suggests that the human mind finds balance between 5 positive thoughts and 1 negative thought.  Perhaps start and end your day with identifying 5 things you are grateful for.  If you would like to really challenge the mind, take what you might have experienced as triggering that day and see if you can find something to be grateful for about that trigger!
  5. Explore Self Compassion.  As we are perhaps practicing the above intentions, remember we are turning over the toxic soil and weeding the garden of our minds.  In as much, we are working towards acceptance of all parts of ourself and how they served us.  Reminding ourselves during the journey that all of our sensations and emotions are normal, natural adaptive responses to the world in which we grew.  With that awareness and understanding, we are fertilizing the soil with empathy for our struggles that we have survived.  What we come to accept about ourselves is that we are both limited and limitless, flawed and flawless, skilled and unskilled beings.  As we begin to experience this acceptance of all parts of ourselves, we invite the flowers of self compassion to grow.  Offering ourselves the same compassion and loving kindness as we might offer others, supports our resiliency and connection, both with others and ourselves!

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Make Space

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This is the time of year that most people begin to formulate their New Year resolutions.  However, before we can add something to our lives, it is a good idea to get rid of something that no longer serves us to create space, and I’m not necessarily suggesting tangible, physical items, although the idea also applies to such an effort.

What I am suggesting during this last month of 2022 is to consider what might you release that drains your energy, so that you might invite in something that stokes your fire and energizes you to get up every morning.  Like the trees that shed their leaves in the winter to create space for the new life that will come in the spring, we too might need to shed something old to make room for the new.

Below are some intention-setting ideas to support you in creating some mental or emotional space in your mind-body, fertilizing the soil of creation for the new year.  It is my hope you will consider exploring one or more ideas and watch what blossoms in your garden!

  1. Take Stock.  Consider identifying and then writing about the biggest lesson you learned this year and what it has taught you.  Explore how the learnings have perhaps changed your way of being or your world view.  Have these learnings brought you more inner peace or anxiety?  If the lesson brought you anxiety, ask yourself why that might be and then identify how anxiety serves you.  Does it protect you from something?  Our emotions serve to inform us, if we simply give them time and space to express themselves.  Befriend your powerful emotions and then let them guide you when making decisions in the new year.  Once we befriend them, allow their expression and understand how they serve us, our emotions become tools in our tool kit for staying true to our authentic self, freeing up space for us to take up more space in the world!
  2. Gratitude. Perhaps writing down what and who you are grateful for in your life, and don’t forget to include yourself on this list!  Can you identify 3 aspects of yourself that you are grateful for and why?  Let the gratitude you feel be another guide when considering options in the new year.
  3. Support.  Although independence is an idealized ideal in our culture, most, if not all, of us accomplish life with the support of others.  Think about the people that you might have turned to for support this past year.  Who might have brought comfort, acceptance, and warmth to your heart?  Let their support remind you that you are not alone in this world, that humans are interdependent beings, and it is okay to not be okay and ask for help.  Let this sense of interconnectedness be one of your guides as you move into the new year as we collectively release the false belief that we must pull ourselves up from our own bootstraps when we are down.
  4. Giving.  Most of us are taught to give to others, whether it is our time, compassion, or care, which can make us feel good or resentful when all we do is give to others.  We are not taught to give to ourselves and instead are told we are being selfish if we ask for what it is we need or want.  Consider journaling about what you were taught about taking care of yourself, perhaps by the role models in your lives or your family culture, so you can weed your garden of any beliefs around self-care being selfish.  Self-care is mission critical and when we can provide it to ourselves (without guilt or justification), it creates space and allows us to move about our lives with more energy.  Can you identify ways you gave to yourself (in the name of self-care) this past year?  How were you able to do so?  Let the self-care steps you took this year lead you to more next year!
  5. Compassion.  As many of you have heard me say (more than once, I know), giving yourself compassion is the antidote to all that ails what being human entails.  Again, self compassion is not something taught to us, but it definitely is something we can learn if we understand that it will create space in our minds and bodies, freeing up our motivational energy to move forward with our dreams and aspirations in the new year.  Perhaps contemplate an experience from this past year when you experienced suffering (maybe you experienced a conflict with someone you care about, or did not succeed in something you wanted, or were physically ill).  Notice how you feel when you think of your suffering.  How does your heart feel?  Now ask yourself, “What did I need in that moment?”  Perhaps you needed comfort, soothing, or validation.  Try offering yourself what it is you needed, like you were offering it to a friend.  This takes practice, so click here if you are interested in listening to some guided self compassion meditations offered by Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading researcher on the transformative effects of self compassion.

As always, if you try any of these intention-setting ideas for holistic health, I would love to hear about the impact they might have had for you.  Please send me an email at linda@sanctuary4compassion.com to share!

How might compassion factor into suicide prevention?

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I think most, if not all, adolescents experience some level of dissatisfaction with their bodies, especially now with the advent of social media. I remember when I went through puberty (yes, before social media), I was constantly comparing myself to my friends and the images I saw in magazines and on TV. I was born shortly before Twiggy became the “Face of 1966” in the fashion modeling world. My mother was obsessed with the latest fashion trends, so this unrealistic ideal was something that took a stong and lasting hold of our entire household. I didn’t measure up then and I don’t measure up now. It’s not hard to imagine how never being able to measure up to some impossible ideal within our families can lead us into the dark recesses of our minds, inviting that self-judgmental part to begin to lead us through life.

As our self-judgmental part grows, it tries to convince us that it motivates us to try and do/be better, that without it’s help we would become unmotivated and lazy. However, this is not true. In fact, research has shown that self-judgment puts us at risk for suicidal thoughts, especially during adolescence. Body dissatisfaction has also been shown to be a risk factor for suicidal ideation and this dissatisfaction peaks during adolescence. So you can quickly see how dissatisfaction with our bodies in adolescence, when our bodies are in such a state of growth and change, invites self-judgment, leading to body shame and, without some support to balance the negative spiral of judgment and shame, can contribute to the risk of suicide.

So where might compassion play a part? Well, research is beginning to demonstrate how self-compassion can be a protective factor against suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, teaching – or even modeling – self-compassion is not widespread in our cultures. Instead we have been taught messages such as “Suck it up, buttercup.” Such messaging has told us that to offer ourselves loving kindness or compassion is self indulgent. Again, another falsehood. Self-compassion is actually the motivating force for growth and change. So, if everyone committed to practicing more self-compassion towards themselves – thus modeling it to others – we would be contributing to the reduction in suicide risk, especially in adolescents.

If you would like to read more about this research showing how self-compassion can mitigate suicide risk associated with body dissatisfaction in adolescence , click the link below.

Compassion Reduces the Risk of Suicide

Can cultivating compassion improve the process of psychotherapy?

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Prior to becoming a therapist myself, I spent a significant amount of time on the couch as a client.  I am forever grateful for the encouragement and compassion I received on those couches as the therapists supported my journey of growth.  However, for all of the compassion they may have offered me, none of them taught me about compassion.  I learned about compassion through the Eastern philosophies I studied as part of my yoga training.  As I began to practice compassion consciously, I came to personally discover its deep healing power.  So, when I began to practice as a licensed psychotherapist, I integrated Eastern and Western approaches, and teaching compassion to my clients is a tool I rely upon to facilitate healing and transformation.

Compassion guides us into spaces of acceptance of our limitations as human beings, to embrace our imperfections, and to comfort ourselves when experiencing suffering.  It soothes the inner critic and perfectionist, it reduces the amount of pressure on our overly developed responsible part, and creates space in our lives for more connection, peace and joy.  Until perhaps more recently, compassion – and specifically self-compassion – was not something that was taught to us as children, or even as adults.  So, by the time we are adults, we have been led to believe that the inner critic is our internal motivator to do more and better.  Instead the inner critic partners with the perfectionist to wear us down, telling us we will be enough and worthy once we, and everything around us, is perfect.  That is simply an impossible dream that we are chasing, inviting in exhaustion, anxiety, depression, shame, and isolation.

Through the years of not only offering compassion to my clients, but teaching them to offer compassion to themselves, I have noticed how it has enhanced the process of psychotherapy and made the effects more enduring.  A mantra I offer my clients is that self-compassion is the antidote to what ails them.  Easily said, but perhaps not so easily implemented.  Yet, when clients begin to loosen the grip of the inner critic and perfectionist and begin to challenge the myth that self-care is selfish, they begin to experience relief from their symptoms.  I don’t need any more evidence than that to know that compassion works!

However, for those that might want to read more about the effects of compassion, including how it creates structural changes in the brain, click on the link below for the most recent research in this area.

Compassion Improves Psychotherapy

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Support Mental Health

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October is Depression and Mental Health Screening Month!

One of the many silver linings of this pandemic has been an increased awareness around mental health.  It has been a long-held belief of mine that if we spent more time, energy and money on supporting mental health, we would radically improve our health care system by significantly reducing what ails us physically.  It does not surprise me that the number one cause of morbidity and mortality is heart disease, which stems from a traumatizing world guiding us to disconnect from the pain and harden our hearts.

So to build upon this growing awareness and to continue to reduce the stigma around mental health challenges, below I provide intention-setting ideas to support compassion and connection, two of the most powerful tools for resiliency.  It is my hope you will consider exploring and then sharing one as we honor Mental Illness Awareness Week the first full week of October!

  1. Take a Stigma Quiz.  Visit the National Association of Mental Illness’s website here to get a better sense of your own personal understanding and beliefs around mental health challenges.  Consider taking this quiz as a simple first step.
  2. Pledge to be Stigma Free. To keep current on mental health, perhaps visit NAMI’s website here to add your name to their StigmaFree campaign to support turning StigmaFree Me into StigmaFree We!
  3. Ok2Talk.org.  Research has shown that sharing what is going on in our minds that we find challenging to us helps reduce its power over us.  Sharing does not necessarily mean talking to another person directly, although that is one option.  NAMI has created this website for people to post their personal stories anonymously.  Perhaps consider checking it out and either posting your own Blog or sharing the site with someone you know that might benefit from such an outlet.
  4. Stretch your Altruistic Muscle.  Research has shown that doing good can do us good.  The benefits include inviting in a sense of belonging, reducing isolation and learning about different perspectives.  Consider visiting the Mental Health Foundation website here for more information and some thoughts about getting started.
  5. Compassionate Conversations Matter.  Connecting with others through conversation is a strategic tool for coping, especially when challenged with powerful feelings that bring about self-defeating thoughts and self-sabotaging behaviors.  If you don’t know where to start, perhaps visit the CDC’s website here to find resources on how to get the conversation started.

As always, if you try any of these intention-setting ideas for holistic health, I would love to hear about the impact they might have had for you.  Please send me an email at linda@sanctuary4compassion.com to share!

Can practicing self-compassion reduce shame?

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I describe shame as that toxic, black mold that grows in dark, damp places that can make you sick when you don’t even know it is there.  In order to get healthy, first we must become aware of the mold’s existence and then we need to invite air and light into the space, because mold can’t survive in the light.  It is the same with shame.  Shame on the surface functions as an internal regulator to discourage us from violating moral and social norms.  However, when small seeds of shame are planted, especially when we are children, it grows just like toxic mold, creating a very unhealthy internal state of being.  From these toxic seeds of shame grow weeds, such as feelings of ‘less than’ and thoughts of ‘not being good enough’.   What if there was a simple internal cleaning solution that could eliminate that toxic shame?  Well, research on self-compassion is becoming the light that is needed to kill off those weeds at their very roots!

When I was little I had a lot of things happening to me that brought shame, including my parents getting divorced and being poor due to being raised by a single mother.  With no money to spare, we found ourselves pulling things out of the Good Will bins, instead of putting things into them, so often our clothes did not fit right (I remember high-water pants before they were a fashion item).  In such a vulnerable place, my mom was taken advantage of by men and I witnessed domestic violence.  These types of circumstances were out of my control, but that didn’t stop the seeds of mold from taking hold and sprouting nasty weeks.  And those weeds, always present, drove my behaviors for many years.

Finally, when my body began to show signs of disease, I realized I needed to change something.  With the help of a good therapist, I was able to gain insight into how traumatizing those events were to a child and how the shame guided my behavioral responses, such as trying to be perfect all of the time and taking responsibility for ‘out-of-scope’ tasks and events.  Add my people-pleasing part and I had the trifecta for anxiety, exhaustion, depression and many other symptoms of trauma.

When I was able to offer myself the same compassion I would offer others that were experiencing some sort of suffering, I began to feel a sense of relief.  My thoughts changed from ‘What is wrong with you’ to ‘What happened to you’.  And I was finally able to move into a space of understanding, opening the door to choice when it came to how I wanted to act in this world.  Offering myself compassion by shining light on the toxic mold of shame opened the door to true peace of mind.  Cultivating compassion has been shown to reduce the negative chemicals (e.g., cortisol, etc.) and increase the positive ones (e.g., oxytocin, etc.) in the brain.  And with this data, new models of therapy are emerging within the field of trauma-informed care.  One of the most recent and promising ones, Somatic Self-Compassion® training is a trauma-informed self-compassion training that was designed to combine interoception (how we feel on the inside) and sensory modulation (adaptive responses to external changes) in order to teach individuals more effective coping with current and past stress.

One of the most recent feasibility research studies utilizing Somatic Self-Compassion® included shame as a variable to better understand how stress, shame and self-compassion might be related.  What this study showed was that combining trauma-informed care with the increased focus on somatic/body intelligence (i.e., interoception and sensory modulation) reduces shame, including body shame and that such training would be a good fit for trauma survivors.

To read the full study, click on the link below:

Self-compassion Reduces Stress and Shame

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Cultivate Compassion

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More and more research is suggesting that compassion is the antidote to what ails us as humans, both individually and on a larger societal level.  So, if the answer is simple (yet perhaps not so easy), how might we contribute to the healing of the world that has such a compassion-deficit at this time?

We must first acknowledge that as humans, we experience fear and pain, which open the door to suffering.  Whether the fear and pain are experienced physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and/or spiritually, they cannot be avoided.  It is part of the human condition.  Suffering, on the other hand, is something that can be avoided.  Suffering is a response – or choice – to the fear and pain.  The practice of compassion has been shown to trigger the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the happy hormone.  Any increase in happiness reduces the experience of suffering.

Next, we must consciously tap into our heart space and exercise our compassion muscles to keep them active and strong.  Therefore, below I provide intention-setting ideas to help support the cultivation of compassion in your own life, so that you can spread the happiness around.  I hope you will consider trying one!

  1. Practice a loving kindness meditation.  With the expanding research base around the health benefits of compassion, many sites offer loving kindness or compassion meditations.  Simply set an intention to establish a regular practice of finding yourself in a space of comfort and quiet and listen to one.  When listening at first, it might seem awkward or unnatural, especially when offering yourself compassion.  However, remember that it is a practice and, with time, the effects begin to show up in your everyday interactions.  Don’t give up!
  2. Soften judgment.  The natural human survival instinct creates judgment.  Therefore, it takes work to transform judgment into discernment.  Judgment grows from a perceived power differential.  It is unconscious and reactive.  Judgment is a reaction from fear, insecurity, jealousy or ignorance.  On the other hand, discernment grows from a conscious and more thoughtful garden, where the seeds of clear perception and insight grow.  The flowers that bloom guide us to distinguish what is appropriate and inappropriate, healthy and unhealthy and the choices we make are not only good for us, but often for the good of others.  Through the clear perception of discernment, we can make good choices without having to label ourselves as better (or worse) than anyone else.  So consider the next time you catch yourself making a judgment (He’s such a jerk!), reflecting on a time when you too may have acted in a similar manner.  Sit with the experience and see if you are able to identify why you acted that way.  Was it out of fear or insecurity?  Or something else?  The more conscious you can make the unconscious motivations behind our judgments, the softer they become, opening the doors wide to compassion for others that are suffering, as well as for ourselves.
  3. Listen deeply.  Listening to others deeply is a tool that opens the gate to compassion.  When you allow someone to be fully heard, without interrupting or planning a response, you create a sacred space for them to truly witness themselves, perhaps for the first time.  Most of us, when engaging with others, allow our unconscious, reactive judgment (see above) lead us in the conversation, jumping to a solution to fix what ails the other; however, that simply implies that something is broken (or even that they are broken), often putting them on the defensive and perhaps even shutting down the conversation.  When we listen deeply, we begin to see ourselves in the other, recognizing the common pain we all experience as humans.  When we are able to hear our common humanity, with all of its limitations, we are more easily able to lean into the softness of compassion.  Consider trying this the next time a friend calls and is suffering.  Challenge yourself to simply sit with the suffering and perhaps acknowledge the pain by saying something like “Wow, that sounds really painful.” without offering any fixes and watch what unfolds.
  4. Heal your trauma.  As the majority of the world has experienced trauma of some sort or another, most of us have some work to do in this area.  Be open to the idea of allowing your warrior part to guide you on the journey to discover the parts of yourself that have been shut down or out, allowing them to have some conscious air time to express their need to feel connected.  Until we heal our own internal conflicts from our past traumas, we are likely to hurt others, even if unconsciously or unintentionally.  This work can be hard, yet amazingly beautiful.  So if you might want some support, perhaps consider reaching out to a spiritual or life coach or therapist.  Through this work, we invite compassion for those parts of ourselves that carry the burden of our past traumas, like we would offer compassion to another.
  5. Practice radical self-care.  So many of us were taught that if we take care of ourselves first or prioritize our needs over others, we are selfish.  I’m here to debunk that myth!  It is my experience that most of us don’t even know what are needs are because we are in a mind set of taking care of the needs of others.  What happens if we don’t identify our needs and focus instead only on the needs of others?  We become exhausted, irritable, anxious or shut-down.  We have a responsibility to take care of ourselves first if we truly want to take care of others.  When we experience powerful negative emotions, it is typically a sign that our needs are not being honored.  Therefore, I recommend exploring and identifying your needs as the first radical self-care step.  Or perhaps consider looking up the definitions of selfish and self-care to gain a better awareness of the differences.  When you are able to understand that you can be thoughtful of others AND prioritize your needs first, you are paving the road for compassion to replace fear in your heart!

As always, if you try any of these intention-setting ideas for holistic health, I would love to hear about the impact they might have had for you.  Please send me an email at linda@sanctuary4compassion.com to share!

Is expanding our capacity for compassion – for self and other – the key ingredient in healing through psychotherapy?

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Growing up in chaos challenges our equilibrium to seek control, wherever and whenever we can find it.  This is a recipe for our perfectionist part to step forward and take control, driving us mercilessly to do more and better, striving for an ideal that does not exist.  Ultimately, this is a recipe for failure, disappointment, anxiety, depression or worse.  It wasn’t until I learned that as a spiritual being having a human experience that I am limited and flawed that acceptance began to flow in.  This realization did not mean that I stopped striving to grow, do better and be a less judgmental human.  It did mean that I had to reign in my perfectionist part and redefine my goals and ideals.

When acceptance began to flow for my limitations and mistakes, along with it came relief.  I could stop setting myself up for failure and begin to release my grip on unrealistic expectations, not only for myself but of others.  It opened the door to see and accept the limitations of others as a natural and universal aspect of being human.  It also loosened the grip of the need to control, which calmed my overly developed responsible part, creating space for the capacity to simply be.

Part of my journey towards acceptance included work through psychotherapy that encouraged me to confront the chaos of my childhood and the traumatizing effects it had on all parts of me.  I learned that perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels a primary thought that if I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.  Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  Shame says ‘I am bad’ versus the feeling of guilt, which says ‘I did something bad’.

Having a compassionate witness, my psychotherapist, guide me along the sometimes slow and painful path back to wholeness, was mission critical for my healing.  I came to learn that as children living through adverse experiences we adapt by turning against ourselves, which distorts our sense of self.  We develop self-hatred as an adaptive response to protect our parents, which plants the seed that will grow the perfectionist part and set us on the path to work to improve our ‘bad’ self.

As I write this, my intention is not to blame, pass judgment on or shame parents.  I am in a space of understanding and acceptance that humans do the best they can with what they know in the moment.  However, the child goes through an unconscious development process that suggests:  which is safer, for the child to believe that their parents are bad and they don’t love you or that they are incompetent and the world is not safe OR for the child to believe that there is something wrong with them, that they are not good enough or have something to be ashamed of?  When we can understand that the fear of the loss of the attachment to our parents creates unendurable pain, then we can understand it is safer to turn on ourselves, because it leaves room for hope.  Hope that if we work hard enough, we can change that bad part of ourselves and become lovable.  This process creates the belief that if I can be good enough, I’ll be loved and belong.

What current research is offering is an approach to undoing the damage of this natural adaptive developmental process that is effective and embraced by people who suffer from shame.  It is compassion-focused therapy.  What is being demonstrated is that compassion is an essential capacity for growth, both inside and out.  It is why I integrate a self-compassion assessment and meditation into my healing offering through talk therapy and offer a recording (here) for download for ongoing support.  Having and truly offering compassion in therapy honors the experience of universal human suffering and now research is creating the evidence needed for compassion focused therapy to be embraced by the psychotherapy community.

To read more about where the research on compassion focused therapy currently stands, click the button below:

Compassion focused therapy efficacy

Compassion for Survivors of Trauma – a New View of Substance Use Disorder/Addiction!

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I remember being assigned to read the book by Dr. Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, while in graduate school and simply feeling gratitude, compassion and validation afterwards.  I never believed in the medical model of addiction that describes the symptom of addiction as a chronic disease of the brain, even suggesting a genetic component to the disease, implying that if my parent(s) had addictions, most likely I would too.  Now, don’t get me wrong, the brains of people who struggle with addiction are different, yet those changes are created as a response to the adverse childhood experiences (AKA TRAUMA) these people survived.  And if your parents suffered from addictions when you were growing up, that experience is traumatic to a child!

I’ve written before about the impact of adverse childhood experiences, especially on physical health later in life as well as addiction; however, I felt compelled to revisit it again when I learned of research that found over 96% of the study participants suffering from substance use disorders, including prescription opioids, nicotine, and cocaine, had trauma histories.  When comparing the groups based upon their drug of choice, the prescription opiate group reported more traumatic childhood experiences than the other groups and a younger age of their first adverse childhood event.  So, when you learn about the underlying dynamics associated with substance use, the thought of “Just Say No” to drugs seems crazy!

Trauma comes in many packages and I’m grateful that the new California Surgeon General (Dr. Nadine Burke Harris) is focusing on early childhood, health equity and Adverse Childhood Experiences and toxic stress as her key priorities. (For more information on the ACEs Aware initiative, visit www.ACEsAware.org.)  It is time to stop blaming the victims and participate in bringing this information forward in order to educate.  What we don’t know, we don’t know.  However, once we know better, we can do better.  With this knowledge, we can bring more empathy and compassion in our interactions with people that struggle with substances.  We can take extra steps to explain this new research to them, validating their experiences and bringing them hope that they can heal from these past traumatic experiences and release their attachment to something that is harmful to them.  We can empower them to explore various healing modalities, such as psychotherapy, neurofeedback, meditation, hypnosis, guided imagery, and expressive arts, such as yoga, writing and drawing, all of which have been shown to support post-traumatic growth.

To read more about this research, click on the box below:

ACEs and Substance Use Disorder

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Expand Our Capacity for Self-Compassion

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Although the holidays bring visions of family coming together, these images may not always bring the joy presumed by the presentations.  Many of us struggle to create an accepting and caring environment when we ourselves did not receive such acceptance and caring as we grew up.  Add the stress of trying to plan “the perfect” meal and buy “the perfect” gifts for everyone and we are setting ourselves up for frustration, failure, and ultimately suffering.

How can we stop this vicious cycle?  We can learn to give ourselves that acceptance and caring during the holidays and all year long!  Cultivating self-compassion has been shown to be the answer for such suffering.  And, although the concept of compassion might be foreign, it is possible to develop it no matter how old we are.

Below, please find five intention-setting ideas to start you on the journey of self-compassion:

  1. Picture yourself as a child.  In fact, if it is available to you, find a picture of yourself when you were little and place it near your computer or somewhere else where you will see it every day.  If you don’t have any pictures, close your eyes and try to remember a time when you were young, maybe at school.  Visualize what it might look like to provide care and demonstrate acceptance to that version of yourself.  What did you long to hear from the adults around you at that time?  Maybe you could offer some words such as “You are perfect just the way you are.” or “I love you no matter what” or “You are so smart” or “You are so good”.  Make time each day to offer this care to yourself, perhaps when you look at your picture or when you see yourself in the mirror.
  2. Forgive yourself.  The next time you catch yourself beating yourself up for making a mistake, stop for a moment, take a breath, and imagine what it would be like to forgive yourself for being human.  Perhaps place a hand on your heart and say something like “I’m sure I’m not the first and/or only person to make this mistake”.  You might consider trying this practice with what you might consider a “small” mistake, where no one got hurt and notice the effect it might have on your body and mind.  Keep practicing it on those small mistakes for a month and see if the practice gets easier.
  3. Stop making assumptions!  When we lack information, it is a natural tendency to fill in the information based upon our past knowledge and experience.  Unfortunately, when we do this we limit ourselves, paving the road toward judgment.  If we can catch ourselves making an assumption or judgment about ourselves, we open ourselves up to the unlimited possibilities inherent in choice!  Perhaps we need to remind ourselves that the only constant in life is change and we too can learn to choose to release our attachment to assumptions and judgment.  Instead, we might spend some time identifying what matters to us – our values in life – and allow them to lead us forward and guide us in our decisions.
  4. Listen to self-compassion meditations.  Our thought patterns can be deep and sometimes we need a little help in rewiring our brains.  Consider creating space for yourself (both time and room) to close your eyes and listen to a guided meditation to support the blossoming of the seed of compassion that already exists in your heart.  In fact, maybe take a compassion break right now and click this link to a free Loving Kindness meditation offered by UCLA.  If not now, set a reminder to listen to it tonight as you climb into bed!
  5. Try your hand at writing.  Dr. Kristen Neff has several writing exercises on her website self-compassion.org that utilize writing as a tool to support our efforts to invite more compassion towards ourselves.  Sometimes just writing down the critical, judgmental thoughts about ourselves that occupy our minds helps us get some perspective.  Then we can invite curiosity to the table to review what we have written down, creating space to challenge those judgments.  We can even write a response to our thoughts as if they were expressed to us by a friend and notice how we might respond differently.  Might you consider trying one of these exercises this week?!