Posts

5 Intention-setting Ideas to Support Powerful Emotions

/in /by

When the United States was born in 1776 during the signing of the Declaration of Independence, Pluto, the planet of rebirth and transformation, was located at 27 degrees Capricorn.  More recently, Pluto entered Capricorn, a sign that signifies money, dominance, power, authority and ambition in late 2008 and leaves Capricorn on January 21, 2024.  Pluto reached 27 degrees Capricorn on 02/22/2022 and will do so again on July 11th and December 28th this year.  As such, many astrologers consider this the U.S.’s personal Pluto return.  A planetary return is when a planet revisits the same exact place in the sky, which for Pluto occurs around every 248 years!

Pluto represents destruction and construction and works to tear down things that are no longer working.  Anything that is occurring during this time will be asking us to pay attention to what needs to be transformed within the US and beyond, creating upheavals in the current dynamics, such as the sexist, racism, classist, homophobic, ableism, anti-Semitism, transphobic systems put in place all those years ago.  Pluto in Capricorn has removed the blinders and allowed these ugly and painful truths to be seen and felt more acutely.  It has brought down people and corporations that have refused to grow and transform.  It destroys what is no longer working and constructs new evolutionary ways, shifting ideology into a space of growth.

So what does this all have to do with our powerful emotions?  Well, with Pluto in Capricorn, the energy is working to support the growth of the world and specifically the United States.  And when there is resistance to this growth and evolution, societal upheavals are expected.  And when we as humans experience such societal upheavals, powerful emotions tend to arise.  And if we don’t tend to these powerful emotions, conflict may escalate not only externally but perhaps more importantly, internally.

Below are intention-setting ideas for you to consider to ride the collective and personal emotional waves as Pluto continues to push us on our journey of transformation and evolution:

  1. Befriend Powerful Emotions. Don’t view your emotions as the enemy as so many of us have been taught.  Powerful emotions have information to share if we can simply welcome them, instead of reject them.  For example, consider anger.  Anger’s message is often that our needs are not being met, either because they are being ignored, invalidated, dismissed, or trampled on.  Anger might be saying “I need to be seen, heard, valued, supported and/or accepted!”  Perhaps think about the last time you felt anger (dare I say rage?) and get curious about what it is trying to say to you.  What need or core value was not being honored in that moment?  Gaining clarity around your needs, and how anger attempts to protect those needs, begins to soothe this powerful emotion as if feels heard and valued (by you!).
  2. Release Control!.  We have also been taught that we can control our emotions.  Unfortunately, this lesson has created a belief that leads many of us to disassociate, to cut off all connection between between our logical and emotional intelligence.  However, under such conditions, powerful emotions tend to show up when least expected or wanted, because they will only be ignored for awhile.  Perhaps think about how you might regulate or balance your emotions, not control them.  For example, when we experience loss, sadness is a normal, natural human response and requires expression.  If we repress it, thinking we can control it, it will shift into the space of depression.
  3. Accept ALL Emotions.  Powerful emotions are not bad, they are human. Another step in regulating or balancing emotions is to accept all of them and honor that they are what make us human.  Take guilt as an example.  Most of us don’t like feeling guilt as it is uncomfortable.  However, what if we accepted guilt as a guide, the primary emotion that keeps us connected to our authentic self.  Perhaps consider thinking of guilt as a guide, not viewing it as a punishment making us suffer for a mistake we made.  As humans, we make mistakes.  That is a necessary part of learning.  So, when we begin to veer too far away from our authentic self and behave in a way that elicits guilt, thank guilt for being the guard rails to our journey, instead of beating yourself up as you learn along the way.
  4. FACE Fear.  If we don’t embrace our deepest fear, it will always be in the driver seat of our lives.  This is not a conscious decision, but a reality.  Embracing our deepest fear doesn’t mean we are turning the steering wheel over to it.  Instead, it invites in compassion and encourages fear to loosen its grip on the wheel.  To FACE your biggest fear allows space for us to engage in a dialog with it and honor how it too protects us.  Consider trying the following:
    • Foster an internal and external environment where awareness, understanding and choice can grow.
    • Act even when experiencing fear, even in the smallest of ways, as action reduces fear and builds strength and resiliency.
    • Create a current vision that comforts and sooths fear, whether in your mind to visit or perhaps a drawing or picture to look at frequently.
    • Express a mantra that challenges the fear, perhaps “This fear might be real, but it is not true right now!”
  5. Give Shame Back.  Somewhere along our journey, usually when we were very young, we internalized a message that we were bad or inadequate in some way.  Shame believes it is being protective, keeping you from connecting to others in order to avoid further hurt and humiliation.  In actuality, it is keeping you from accepting yourself and connecting with your authentic being.  Shame needs to be given back to the person that gave it to you, is not yours to keep!  Shame is like a hot potato that if we don’t give it back, we continue to pass it around to others, to try and make ourselves feel better.  The shortest route to feeling better is to shine the light on shame, give it air to breath so it can die on the vine.  Shame is like toxic mold.  Once mold sees the light and feels the dry air, it withers and dies.  Shame is probably one of the most powerful emotions keeping us small, so perhaps consider seeking the support of a trusted friend or professional counselor to support you in shining the light on the roots of any shame you are carrying under Pluto’s return, so it can be destroyed once and for all.

As always, if you try any of these intention-setting ideas for holistic health, I would love to hear about the impact they might have had for you.  Please send me an email at linda@sanctuary4compassion.com to share!

What will it really take to reduce drug abuse in the world?

/in /by

No, not more law enforcement efforts to reduce the production and transportation of illegal drugs.  This question has a basic economic component – as long as the demand is greater than the supply, the war on drugs will be lost.  So, how do we reduce the demand for drugs?  We must learn why people turn to drugs in the first place and we must stop buying into the belief that drug addiction is a disease and one that affects only the weak!

I have always felt that more compassion and understanding were needed for people who found themselves addicted to drugs or alcohol, not punishment, and yet, I wasn’t aware of the research that might support my feelings.  Then I read Dr. Gabor Maté’s book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction, and I felt so validated in my view of this deeply concerning human experience.  This book opened my eyes and my heart to the underlying reasons that someone might turn to substances to soothe a painful internal landscape.  What Dr. Maté highlights is that addiction is a normal, natural response to emotional loss which is traumatizing to the human spirit. In other words, addiction soothes the pain of trauma.  So, drugs work – even if only to temporarily separate, or dissociate from the internal emotional pain of our traumatizing experiences.  And sometimes drugs may be the only reliable source of comfort that is available.  Sad, but true and I know many people find this fact hard to believe, especially when they have not walked in the shoes of the people they judge.  Then, when it happens in our own families, it becomes even harder to accept because we must take some accountability and responsibility for the depth of the pain that our loved ones feel.

Now, not all individuals that experience early childhood trauma will turn to drugs, so further research is needed to better understand the relationship between adverse childhood events and dissociation through addiction to manage overwhelming, painful emotions.  What some more recent research has shown is that there is another factor to consider in the equation, alexithymia.  A normal part of our development as children is learning how to understand and express emotions in order to regulate our emotional environment and we learn this by observing and exchanging emotions with our caregivers.  However, when children experience developmental trauma this lesson is impossible to learn, impairing our ability to deal with our emotional experiences and alexithymia develops, which is simply the difficulty to identify, describe, and feel our emotional states.

Early research suggested that men may experience alexithymia more than women, possibly due to the underlying beliefs found in a patriarchal societal culture that values logic and reason over intuition and emotion.  However, with the emerging research that is looking at the association between trauma, alexithymia and dissociation in the role of addiction, it appears that trauma disrupts the ability to process emotions in both genders equally.  Patriarchy only adds another layer of complexity, as this culture informs men – and thus women trying to succeed in a man’s world – that emotions are not valued and reflect some weakness in character.

These research findings bring much awareness to how the human spirit needs emotional connection with others who can nurture both our rational and intuitive intelligence, both our ability to feel and to understand our emotions, and ultimately express our emotions so that our actions can be guided, and not driven by them.  I found this research quite calming to my own spirit, not only because it validated my personal experience but because it validates a new approach to healing addiction, one that comes from a place of compassion and great appreciation for the resiliency of the human spirit instead of through further traumatization supported by the current, failing war on drugs.  This new approach is growing from a broader and deeper understanding of what is considered developmental trauma, which I will write more about in my next Talk Therapy reflection, and the need to help people put words to their powerful, sometimes overwhelming, emotional experiences of the past in order to face the pain and fear head on, because if you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it.

We all can make a difference in reducing the demand for drugs and decrease the incidence of addiction.  My recommendation in doing so is to look into the research that supports that addiction is a symptom, not a disease.  From this deeper understanding, embrace the idea that we are all born with emotions and emotions are a significant part of our intelligence.  Once there, commit to being a better role model to the people in your life by openly expressing your emotions and not just the “positive” ones – all of them, including disappointment, rage, guilt, shame – as all emotions are vital parts of our wholeness and well-being.

If you want to take the first step on the path of deeper understanding of addiction, click on the link below to read a recent study that explores the relationship between developmental trauma, dissociation, and alexithymia:

Addiction Predictions: Trauma, Alexithymia, and Dissociation

How did “talk therapy” work for me?

/in /by

My journey to a life experienced with more awareness, insight, acceptance, compassion, gratitude, and ultimately forgiveness for myself and others did not just happen and I certainly wasn’t raised in an environment that supported such practices or values. My first encounter with therapy was when I was about 10 years old, when my single-mother-of-three-children took the family to the Division of Youth and Family Services for help. When I reflect on this early childhood encounter with the mental healthcare system, I wonder if it was the first step on the long and winding road to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist today. I do know that the experience opened me up at that very tender age to the fact that sometimes we need help from someone other than our family and friends, a route that I found myself taking at different stages of my life. I didn’t know that seeking support through therapy was viewed in our culture as a stigma, suggesting that I was either weak or crazy, as my mom was a platinum member of the therapy frequent flyer club who shared what her therapist said to her to anyone that was willing to listen.

Flash forward 20 years, when I find myself married, working two jobs and back at school to pursue a Master’s degree in Healthcare Administration (have I mentioned yet that I had acquired an overly developed work ethic by this point?). My attachment to work and “doing” (being productive), not creating enough time and space for my relationship with my partner or myself for that matter, and my need for a sense of value and belonging somewhere produced the ideal environment for the perfect storm. Just reflecting on that time through writing these words is making my belly and chest tight! I found myself back in therapy, both with my partner and individually, on-and-off for the next four years.

Initially, therapy did not progress smoothly as it took several attempts to finally find the ‘right’ therapist to help us as a couple and another one to help just me. I didn’t realize that every therapist had a different approach; all I knew is that after a couple of sessions I didn’t feel like I was being heard or understood. My partner was a bit more direct than I was when he would simply say “I don’t like him and I don’t want to go back”, so the search continued. Even after a ‘good fit’ was found for us to do the work, we would experience progress, terminate therapy, and then we would hit another pot hole and find ourselves back in session. It wasn’t until my therapist guided me to focus on and discuss my past relationships, specifically with my parents that the real healing and change began.

What I learned about myself – the past influences going back multiple generations in my family that shaped my world and how I learned to adapt to survive – was beyond powerful. On one side of my family, emotional expression was very high while on the other side, emotional expression was not tolerated – so what was I “to do” when I felt a moving emotion? I spent a great deal of energy stuffing my emotions down, only to have them leak out in some of the most inopportune moments. I would think to myself “Why can’t I control my emotions?” or “What is wrong with me?” My compassionate and patient therapist would listen to my stories of how I navigated between the chaos on one side of the road and the desert on the other side to avoid being flooded or dehydrated. She encouraged me to feel my emotions, explore the benefits of those emotions, and even discover new, more subtle (yet no less powerful) emotions such as compassion and gratitude.

Once I was able to honor my emotional intelligence and tap into the reservoir that I had built up over the years, I developed a very close and dear relationship with my emotions and now depend upon them for their guidance, especially the ones that most people try to avoid, such as anger, fear, sadness, and even helplessness. What I have come to understand and value is that all emotions serve a purpose and our overall health and well-being depend upon the ability to experience a broad range of them in order to live life to the fullest, especially in our relationships with our significant others where a deep emotional connection is the life preserver that helps us weather the many storms and pot holes life presents along the way.

I found myself back in therapy once again as I took the final steps on the path to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. It was important to my development as a therapist to once again explore and expand my emotional awareness as I navigated this latest life transformation. Through my personal experience of therapy, my education, and my training, my view of life has grown. I now have a deeper appreciation for the resiliency of the human spirit as I developed a greater understanding of our reactions to life’s challenges as normal, natural adaptive responses motivated by a desire to stay connected, to be accepted, to belong, and to survive.

If my personal reflections on how ‘talk therapy’ changed my life and my relationships don’t convince you that psychotherapy works, check out some of the latest evidence gathered by researchers by clicking on the link below:

Latest evidence gathered by researchers