What is shame and why might it be important to talk about it?
I imagine we all can identify something that we experienced in the past that we feel ashamed of. I know I can. I can also imagine that most of us simply try to ignore any memories of that experience, to avoid the uncomfortable emotions it might bring up for us. Unfortunately, shame is like toxic mold. It doesn’t go away unless you shine a light on it and let the air hit it.
Shame is complex. It is an emotion that includes feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and/or embarrassment about yourself. It is different than guilt. Guilt arises in response to specific actions or behaviors and we think “I did something wrong”. Guilt comes in service to guide us back to acting in ways that align with our core values that make up our authentic self. Shame, on the other hand, arises in response to a perceived personal failure or shortcoming and we think “I am wrong or bad” about ourselves.
It is important to understand that when we experience shame, we tend to internalize it, which leads to negative self-beliefs and self-criticism. Shame affects our self-esteem and contributes to mental health issues, like anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can be heavily influenced by our social and cultural contexts, such as societal expectations, family dynamics, and cultural norms. For example, cultural standards about appearance, success, or gender roles might evoke feelings of shame if we don’t conform to such standards.
When we experience those powerful and uncomfortable feelings of shame, which activate the thoughts around our inherent unworthiness or inadequacy, we tend to turn towards potentially unhealthy coping strategies to deny, distract from, cover up or numb those emotions. We might also experience a desire to withdraw or isolate ourselves from others. These behavioral responses are natural adaptive responses, yet such behaviors can lead to physical and mental health challenges. In fact, research has shown that trauma-related shame is connected to the development and maintenance of PTSD.
Understanding that shame is a common experience for us humans is a first step toward releasing its grip. Recognizing how social and cultural messages can contribute to the creation of shame is also important. Unfortunately, this awareness and understanding is often not enough to kill that toxic mold that lives in the dark recesses of our minds and bodies. Addressing shame often involves identifying and working through deep-seated feelings and challenging the negative self-beliefs that grew from the toxic mold.
There is a growing body of research that suggests not only can talk therapy help in understanding the roots of our shame but developing the skill of self compassion can reduce those powerful and uncomfortable feelings that have us thinking we are inherently bad or flawed. One recent proof-of-concept study combined cognitive techniques with loving-kindness meditations to specifically target shame in trauma-exposed patients. The findings supported positive outcomes and led to reductions in trauma-related shame and PTSD symptoms.
