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What is shame and why might it be important to talk about it?

I imagine we all can identify something that we experienced in the past that we feel ashamed of. I know I can. I can also imagine that most of us simply try to ignore any memories of that experience, to avoid the uncomfortable emotions it might bring up for us. Unfortunately, shame is like toxic mold. It doesn’t go away unless you shine a light on it and let the air hit it.

 Shame is complex. It is an emotion that includes feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and/or embarrassment about yourself. It is different than guilt. Guilt arises in response to specific actions or behaviors and we think “I did something wrong”. Guilt comes in service to guide us back to acting in ways that align with our core values that make up our authentic self. Shame, on the other hand, arises in response to a perceived personal failure or shortcoming and we think “I am wrong or bad” about ourselves.

 It is important to understand that when we experience shame, we tend to internalize it, which leads to negative self-beliefs and self-criticism. Shame affects our self-esteem and contributes to mental health issues, like anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can be heavily influenced by our social and cultural contexts, such as societal expectations, family dynamics, and cultural norms. For example, cultural standards about appearance, success, or gender roles might evoke feelings of shame if we don’t conform to such standards.

 When we experience those powerful and uncomfortable feelings of shame, which activate the thoughts around our inherent unworthiness or inadequacy, we tend to turn towards potentially unhealthy coping strategies to deny, distract from, cover up or numb those emotions. We might also experience a desire to withdraw or isolate ourselves from others. These behavioral responses are natural adaptive responses, yet such behaviors can lead to physical and mental health challenges. In fact, research has shown that trauma-related shame is connected to the development and maintenance of PTSD.

 Understanding that shame is a common experience for us humans is a first step toward releasing its grip. Recognizing how social and cultural messages can contribute to the creation of shame is also important. Unfortunately, this awareness and understanding is often not enough to kill that toxic mold that lives in the dark recesses of our minds and bodies. Addressing shame often involves identifying and working through deep-seated feelings and challenging the negative self-beliefs that grew from the toxic mold.

 There is a growing body of research that suggests not only can talk therapy help in understanding the roots of our shame but developing the skill of self compassion can reduce those powerful and uncomfortable feelings that have us thinking we are inherently bad or flawed. One recent proof-of-concept study combined cognitive techniques with loving-kindness meditations to specifically target shame in trauma-exposed patients. The findings supported positive outcomes and led to reductions in trauma-related shame and PTSD symptoms.

Can cultivating compassion improve the process of psychotherapy?

Prior to becoming a therapist myself, I spent a significant amount of time on the couch as a client.  I am forever grateful for the encouragement and compassion I received on those couches as the therapists supported my journey of growth.  However, for all of the compassion they may have offered me, none of them taught me about compassion.  I learned about compassion through the Eastern philosophies I studied as part of my yoga training.  As I began to practice compassion consciously, I came to personally discover its deep healing power.  So, when I began to practice as a licensed psychotherapist, I integrated Eastern and Western approaches, and teaching compassion to my clients is a tool I rely upon to facilitate healing and transformation.

Compassion guides us into spaces of acceptance of our limitations as human beings, to embrace our imperfections, and to comfort ourselves when experiencing suffering.  It soothes the inner critic and perfectionist, it reduces the amount of pressure on our overly developed responsible part, and creates space in our lives for more connection, peace and joy.  Until perhaps more recently, compassion – and specifically self-compassion – was not something that was taught to us as children, or even as adults.  So, by the time we are adults, we have been led to believe that the inner critic is our internal motivator to do more and better.  Instead the inner critic partners with the perfectionist to wear us down, telling us we will be enough and worthy once we, and everything around us, is perfect.  That is simply an impossible dream that we are chasing, inviting in exhaustion, anxiety, depression, shame, and isolation.

Through the years of not only offering compassion to my clients, but teaching them to offer compassion to themselves, I have noticed how it has enhanced the process of psychotherapy and made the effects more enduring.  A mantra I offer my clients is that self-compassion is the antidote to what ails them.  Easily said, but perhaps not so easily implemented.  Yet, when clients begin to loosen the grip of the inner critic and perfectionist and begin to challenge the myth that self-care is selfish, they begin to experience relief from their symptoms.  I don’t need any more evidence than that to know that compassion works!

However, for those that might want to read more about the effects of compassion, including how it creates structural changes in the brain, click on the link below for the most recent research in this area.