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The Legacy of Childhood Trauma – Transgenerational Impact!

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I had a dear colleague once say to me “We didn’t know what we didn’t know.  When we know, we do better”.  I hear myself repeating this phrase often, because blame and shame are not healthy, period.  Yet, if we don’t look back to reflect on the need for change and growth, then we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.  I have written reflections in the past on the research around the impact of adverse childhood events (ACEs) on the individual and today I want to share the research that shows the impact of such events doesn’t stop with the individual!

Both of my own parents experienced childhood trauma and stressors, which thwarted their emotional growth trajectories, yet they didn’t know that about themselves and neither did society.  However, I definitely sensed that something was off and, as little ones will naturally do, I attempted to fill in the gaps.  Impossible, I know now, but I didn’t know then.  How ironic.

With this new research from UCLA reflecting a strong association between children’s behavioral health problems and their parents’ adversity histories, we now know better.  When our awareness grows around our past, it brings a deeper understanding of our experiences and our normal, natural adaptive responses.  With that deeper understanding, our hearts can begin to heal from events that our conscious minds were not even present to directly witness, yet stuck in our bodies instead.  We can create opportunities for ourselves to challenge those strongly guarded, unspeakable beliefs that there must be something wrong with us or that we are not worthy of acceptance and love, which keep us from a meaningful connection with ourselves and to others.

So, if you currently suffer from symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety and/or depression, and are not aware of experiencing any adverse childhood events yourself, perhaps consider exploring any that your parents might have been subjected to as they grew up.  Please remember that this exploration and what it might uncover is not meant to blame your parents.  It is meant to shine a light on the blame and shame that you might be carrying and that is feeding the self-judgment that is holding you back from a life full of connection, meaning and health.

To read more on this research, click on the button below:

Transgenerational Effects of Trauma

5 Intention-setting Ideas for Navigating This Eclipse and Retrograde Season

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On Tuesday, August 7th, with the planet Uranus going retrograde, we will now be under the influence of six planets in retrograde for the next two weeks, until the 19th when Mercury returns direct and Mars returns direct on the 27th.  In addition, we have the last eclipse of the year, a solar eclipse occurring on the 11th.  What is the Universe trying to say to us with all of this heavenly activity this month?  It is encouraging us to stop pushing forward right now and take some time to reflect on our past.  There is much opportunity this month for healing our hearts and souls and elevating the collective consciousness of our planet if we do so!

Below are some ideas to consider that will help you navigate this month, until the energy starts flowing again next month:

  1. Take a vacation.  Vacations do not have to be a week long event that requires a great deal of planning and money.  Consider planning a day retreat or a weekend away.  Simply finding yourself in a different place for a short period of time can shift your perspective. Have you always wanted to visit a particular local city to immerse yourself in a different culture? Or has a certain spiritual center or temple been calling your soul? Or have you been planning to try a new hiking trail that someone recommended to you?  Now’s the time to just do it!
  2. Spend time in nature.  With the heat of the summer, we might be finding ourselves spending more time inside in the air-conditioning.  While, in the short term, being inside where it might be cooler can be beneficial, especially at the peak of the heat during the day, avoiding the outdoors for any length of time can wreak havoc on our body, mind and spiritual health. Try to plan a early morning or late evening walk near a body of water, like a lake or the ocean, or taking a hike where there are canopies of trees.  Create an opportunity to sit down at some point and set an intention to notice the smallest form of life, maybe through your eyes, ears or skin.  Watch that life move for a short time and sense your connection to it.  Reflect on how you might impact that life and how that life might impact you.
  3. Review and renew commitments.  With Mercury retrograde at this time, we are reminded that now is not a good time to start anything new, especially when a legal contract is required. So, instead, we can take this time to review previously made commitments and determine if any adjustments might need to be made.  We might reflect on those that seem effortless and those that require more effort.  And for those that require more effort, we might ask ourselves is the amount of effort we are expending outweighing the return in soul nourishment?  From our reflections, it might become very clear where we need to focus our energy and renew our commitment to it.  And, in doing so, other commitments might need to be transferred or released from our lives.
  4. Practice gratitude.  When our lives might begin to feel a little stagnant or stuck, having ‘an attitude of gratitude’ has been shown to be the wind beneath our wings that can lift us out of a rut. So, as the universal energy is supporting this time in reflection, keep the handy tool of gratitude with you at all times.  Schedule a gratitude break each day.  Express your gratitude to another, whether it is simply to share something you are grateful for with them or to share your gratitude for them.  Dig out your gratitude journal or start a new one.  Merely reading a past gratitude journal can remind our hearts and souls of the abundance that already exists in our lives without having to push forward and grasp for more!
  5. Read.  Speaking of reading, now is a great time to pick up that book you have been meaning to read. When we allow our minds to be engrossed by a good book, it is like a vacation from our thoughts!  When we spend time in reflection of our past, gaining awareness of how our experiences in life impacted our beliefs, thoughts and emotions, we open ourselves up for a deeper understanding of how connected we really are in the human form.  And often, in this space, when we read, we discover new things about ourselves that might have been hidden (or forbidden) from revealing themselves before.

Increasing stress and anxiety in children – can yoga help?

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Although my adolescent days are several decades behind me, I still clearly remember the stress I experienced during those years, not only from the academic pressures but from the social pressure to “fit in”, while trying to manage potentially conflicting expectations from family and friends.  Unfortunately, I was not taught ways to manage that stress, although I had to take PE classes and voluntarily participated in sports regularly after school.  So, when I moved through my early adult years and began to work full-time, I attempted to continue to participate in those sports to help relieve the chronic stress I felt, only to discover that it wasn’t working.  The only relief I discovered at that time was planning and taking vacations, where I found I didn’t want “to do” anything but relax.  And there was simply not enough vacation time to effectively create the required balance in my life to reduce the growing anxiety I was experiencing.

It wasn’t until I found yoga – in mid-life – that I experienced an immediate sense of release of tension, stress, and anxiety.  I still tell people that ask me about yoga “I wish I found yoga at 4, instead of 40!”, although I am eternally grateful for finding it at all, as it truly has been a life saver.  So when I read the recent research on how yoga can help children cope with stress and manage their anxiety symptoms, my heart’s sense of gratitude grew even more.

Eight published studies were reviewed together and found that school children who regularly practice yoga show an improved ability to cope with stress and anxiety.  And with the majority of children reporting growing academic pressures to achieve, along with more challenging family life with both parents needing to work outside of the home, it’s about time we offer our children a life-time tool to create more balance in their bodies and minds.  What makes yoga different than the typical physical education classes currently offered in schools is that it is a meditative movement practice and it does not have a competitive focus.  There are no winners or losers.  There is no forming of teams, leaving some children feeling inadequate in some way when they are picked last (or not at all) to join a team.  It is most often practiced in a group setting, yet the practice encourages and welcomes individualized, unique experiences.  It is a practice that can be done by everyone, regardless of size, shape, strength or flexibility level, and/or any other physical limitation, such as chronic health conditions, including asthma or diabetes.

The review article looked at the interventions, which incorporated postures, breath, concentration, and meditation that are different paths or parts of a full yogic practice, and came to the conclusion that these combined features of yoga, when practiced regularly by children, provide an accessible tool to reduce stress and anxiety.  The author also recommended that yoga should be integrated into schools.  It is my personal belief that by offering yoga to children – even before they enter school – sets them up not only for success in life but happiness too.  And don’t our children deserve that balance!

Supporting Our Children With Yoga

What is my purpose and why does seeking it matter?

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As a young woman working in the predominately male corporate culture, I struggled to find purpose, or meaning, in the work that I did to reduce the frustration, among many other mixed emotions, that I felt on a daily basis.  In fact, I still have a framed print hanging on a wall in my home from a previous employer reflecting a vision that resonated with me on a deep soul level:  Discovery & Hope.  It was also at this same employer that I experienced what has come to be referred to as ‘sexual misconduct’ today.

When I reflect back on that time of my life, one of the things that stands out for me is how I still managed to get up every morning and feel motivated to go to work.  I really enjoyed what I was doing and was able to remind myself that what I was doing was closely tied to improving the health and well-being of others, which was a personal value of mine.  So, although my work conditions were not mentally and emotionally healthy, creating meaning out of the actual work I was doing seemed to propel me forward in life.

Now, flash forward many years later, including a mid-life career change to better align my personal values and gifts with how I engage in the workforce, what weighs on my mind is the rise in the incidence of dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease.  I know, through my studies on the normal, natural developmental stages of life that memory loss is to be expected and is a normal part of the aging process.  However, what may not be so well understood is the underlying causes of dementia.  What is coming to light is that chronic stress is associated with damage to a critical part of the brain, specifically the hippocampus, and memory loss and may predict progression from mild cognitive impairment to dementia.

So, when I became aware of recent research suggesting that cultivating a sense of purpose, or meaning in our lives demonstrated a 30% reduction in the risk of developing dementia, it caught my attention!  I don’t believe there is any corresponding research showing such a significant reduction in risk by using any currently available prescription medications when it comes to this age-related disease.  Even more encouraging is that this research suggests that the results are independent of psychological distress, in other words, even if you find yourself in a mentally and emotionally stressful environment, if you are leading a meaningful and goal-driven life, this sense of purpose may be protecting your brain against the risk of developing dementia.

With this new discovery comes hope.  If you feel lost or sense your purpose in life is not so clear, therapy can be a resource.  I know it personally helped me to get in touch with my needs and values, identify false or limiting beliefs I had collected along the way, and gain clarity on aligning my personal priorities and professional goals.  Sometimes we just need to create a sacred place for the exploration to reconnect with our own inner wisdom and ask a fellow journey(wo)men to assist in fine tuning our sense of purpose and meaning to serve as a guide on the journey toward lasting body, mind, and spirit well-being.

If you would like to read more about this emerging research, click on the link below:

Purpose in Life and Risk of Dementia

Has the fountain of youth been found?

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I think many people might agree with me when I say that the best holiday gift we could receive would be a way to slow down time and the aging process.  Well, what if I were to tell you that researchers may have identified a way to slow down one of these – would you be willing to do whatever it takes?  What if “whatever it takes” is a pretty simple change in lifestyle choice that may hold the key to delaying the aging process?  Are you with me??

When I first discovered yoga, I was simply trying to find some sort of exercise that I could do by myself since work began to interfere with my first passion, tennis.  In addition, the stress of work and lack of exercise contributed to a painful herniated lumbar disk in my back, further limiting my movement options.  Little did I know that “doing yoga” would not only help heal my back pain, but would also support reframing the painful thoughts that I experienced in my mind as well.  As I experienced these significant shifts in my life, I found myself longing for more time on my mat.  My mind and body began to crave it as my sleep improved, my blood pressure lowered, and my ability to respond (instead of react) improved.  So, as you can imagine, I was hooked!

Now, years later, in my mid-50s, I find myself in the minority of the American population that does not require a prescription medication to maintain my health.  I feel blessed that I found yoga when I did and recommend yoga and meditation to anyone that might be interested in trying a different approach to improving their body-mind-spirit health.  Now with this new research, I might take a different approach to “selling” yoga, because yoga and meditation now have been shown to demonstrate improvement in biomarkers of cellular aging and longevity!

After just 12 weeks of a yoga and meditation based lifestyle intervention, there was a positive change in almost 10 different biologically-based indicators of physical aging.  Participants’ ages ranged from 30 to 65 years of age and the intervention included a 90-minute practice (including yoga poses, pranayama or breath practices, and meditation techniques) derived from a mix of Hatha and Raja yoga that was performed 5 days per week.  The results reflect that although we may not be able to change our biology or chronological age, if we commit to such a lifestyle we can certainly reverse or slow down the pace at which we age, prolonging a youthful, healthy life!  Are you in?

And let me challenge any thoughts that might arise as you read this reflection that might suggest to you that you are not flexible or strong enough to “do yoga” or that it’s too late, I’m too old, or I’m not in a physical shape that would allow me to participate in a yoga class.  There are yoga classes available to “every” body and mind, including gentle, breath-centered, trauma-informed, restorative, chair, mood management, and sound healing to name just a few.  There are also yoga classes designed for beginners, ones geared toward athletes, and others intended for people living/recovering from chronic diseases, such as cancer and multiple sclerosis.   It might take a little research to find the right class/teacher for you to take the first step towards integrating a yoga and meditation practice into your life, but I promise you it will be work the time and effort!

If you would like to read more details on this latest research, click on the button below:

Yoga and Meditation Shown to Reduce Signs of Aging

Thanksgiving Day Football – Why I will NOT be watching!

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I can remember watching football as young as 7 or 8 years of age because it was where we could find our father on Sundays.  My dad would be so engrossed in the games that we could stand behind him and say “Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad” and not get a response.  However, if you said something “Wow, that was a good catch”, he would turn around, look at you, and say something like “Yes, it was”.  So we learned very early on that if we wanted our father’s attention it was best to join him in his world and a lot of his world revolved around sports.

Living in the southern part of New Jersey, I found myself surrounded by Philadelphia Eagles fans, although my father was/is a die-hard New York fan.  I quickly joined the ranks of Eagles fans and it was something that my husband and I had in common.  By 1990, I had joined his Fantasy Football team and my partner and I were the only women in the league.  My interest and knowledge of the sport became a source of pride for me.  That all changed two years ago when I saw the movie Concussion.  If you are a huge football fan, you may want to stop reading now.

In this movie, Will Smith plays the forensic pathologist Dr. Bennet Omalu that discovered Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) which is a neurodegenerative brain disease similar to Alzheimer’s disease that arises from repeated head trauma.  He embarks on a mission to raise public awareness about the dangers of football-related head trauma, even with the players wearing helmets and a professional football league rule against helmet-to-helmet contact.  Subsequent research of deceased former high school, college, and professional football players showed that 177 out of 202 players were diagnosed with CTE, with the disease being diagnosed in 110 out of 111 (or 99%!) of the former NFL football players.  This data hurt my mind and body!

CTE can only be diagnosed via autopsy so identifying the signs and symptoms much earlier is vital.  This knowledge made me think about our little ones and their beautiful developing brains.  Then I came across even more recent research looking at the mental and behavioral challenges experienced in adulthood that might be tied back to playing tackle football before the age of twelve.  Researchers questioned 214 men whose only organized sport participation growing up was football.  The results reflect that those who started playing tackle football before the age of twelve were 33% more likely to show signs of depression and about 28% more likely to have behavioral problems in adulthood.  Lead author of this research Dr. Michael Alosco writes “Research on the effects of football on the brain is now at a point where it cannot be ignored.”

Well, I for one no longer am ignoring the data.  After more than 40 years of being a dedicated fan, I have stopped watching football this year.  Instead I have joined the ranks of mental health professionals who work to help relieve the suffering that comes from the symptoms of depression and behavioral challenges and raise the awareness and collective consciousness around the underlying causes of such suffering.  So this Thanksgiving, you will not find me in front of the TV watching a sport that appears to value the almighty buck more than the mind-body health of the players.  I still greatly value team sports and supporting the community it creates and I hope that this research will encourage new ways of playing that dramatically reduce or eliminate the inherent risk of concussions.  Until then, I am learning to enjoy the time I have freed up on my Sundays by connecting with like-minded souls.

If you would like to read more about this research, below are two links.  Click on the first link to read about the research based upon the autopsies.  Click on the second link to read about the research on playing tackle football before the age of twelve.

Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) in Football Players
Dangers of Playing Tackle Football Before the Age of Twelve

 

Does Yoga Change Our Brain and Improve Memory as We Age?

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At any age, in today’s fast-paced world, we may be challenged by our ability to maintain our focus long enough to actually create a memory worth remembering!  I hear myself saying almost daily “Thank God for Google” or I wouldn’t be able to remember the name of the new restaurant in town I saw on my way home from the office to tell my husband or the movie I saw last week to tell my friends.  We have come to rely more on our electronic devices with all of the available apps to assist in reminding us of where we need to be and when, to keep track of our finances and when to pay our bills, and to prompt us so we don’t forget a birthday or anniversary.  There are even apps to remind you to get up from your desk every hour and to stop whatever you are doing and simply breathe!

As we age, the brain does change and it is not unusual for all of us to experience some level of memory loss, specifically working memory.  This expected memory loss due to aging does not necessarily mean we are developing dementia.  However, with an increasingly older population, it is important to understand ways to support our brains and our memories to maintain our mind-body health.  A new research study has shown that yoga may be one of those ways!

In this research, the intention was to focus on the brain’s cortical thickness, which has been shown to decline with age and is associated with executive functioning relating to memory and attention.  With the assistance of MRI scans, the results showed an increase in the cortical thickness, specifically in the left prefrontal cortex which supports working memory and cognitive flexibility, in the older women who had practiced yoga for at least 8 years.  The researchers suggest that it is the unique contemplative or attentional component that is an integral part of yoga that differentiates it from other conventional forms of physical fitness exercise.  So even if you consider yourself active and regularly participate in other forms of physical movement, your brain may not be getting the same boost as it would from integrating yoga into your self-care routine.

This study is important for people of all ages, not only those of us that may believe we have reached the peak of our life span.  Yoga comes in many different forms and styles and is not one size fits all.  Yoga ranges from very little movement at all, such as with yoga Nidra or Restorative Yoga to the other end of the spectrum, with continuous movement, such as with a Vinyasa or Ashtanga class.  So no matter how old you are in the present moment, it is a great time to explore this practice and find a style that works for you.  It is never too soon or too late to integrate yoga into your overall preventive health care efforts.  Your body and mind will thank you now and well into the future!

Improve Memory with Yoga

Transgenerational trauma transmission – What does our childhood experiences tell us about our future health, both body and mind?

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The month of May was proclaimed National Mental Health Awareness Month back in 2013 and, as I indicated in my last Talk Therapy reflection in March, I want to share more about the research around adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), the resulting developmental trauma, and the long-term impact on body-mind health.  The intention behind this reflection is to bring more awareness to the underlying causes of dis-ease and, through such awareness, expand our collective capacity for compassion for those suffering from the effects of early childhood trauma.  It is only through more education and awareness that our society will move in the direction of prevention by aligning resources with ways to stop the causes and turn away from just focusing on the treatment of the symptoms.

I also want to mention right up front that it is not my intention to place blame as that would be an attempt to simplify a very complex human condition.  As one of my dear colleagues once said, “We don’t know what we don’t know.  However, when we know better, we do better.”  Therefore, as you read this reflection and maybe read more about the research on this topic, I hope you will come to see, as I did, that our traumatic experiences are not isolated and, in fact, most likely emanate from past generations living through similar experiences without the resources that are available today.

The first ACE study that began in 1995 was conducted in collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente, a health maintenance organization in southern California.  The participants, over 17,000 patients with health insurance were asked to complete a confidential questionnaire that asked about childhood maltreatment and family dysfunction to identify any relationships between specific ACE and known risk factors, such as smoking and alcohol/drug abuse, for chronic disease.  Since this first study, many studies have been done to validate the original results, using larger and more diverse population samples to assess if the exposure to ACE increases the risk of adult disease and disability. If you are interested in reading more, the CDC website (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/journal.html) contains a listing of journal articles by topic area.

The original study included seven categories of ACE, including abuse (physical, psychological, sexual), domestic violence (violence against mother), and household dysfunction due to any members who were substance abusers, mentally ill or suicidal, or ever imprisoned.  Future studies expanded the ACE categories to include family dysfunction due to divorce and to track alcohol and other drug abuse separately.

What all of these studies have come to show is that ACEs are more common than any of us would want to know.  These studies have also shown that a majority of ACEs are not experienced in isolation, meaning that if children experienced one ACE they probably experienced more than one ACE, guiding future research to investigate the cumulative impact of multiple childhood traumas on the development of disease.  In addition, the higher the cumulative ACE score, the greater association with many mental, physical, emotional, and social problems, including substance use and abuse.

Expanding our awareness of what constitutes an ACE and the fact that ACEs impact the neurodevelopment of children, disrupting the healthy development of the human nervous system, begins to open our minds and hearts.  Deepening our understanding further that a damaged nervous system may guide children toward unhealthy coping strategies to survive the complex traumas they have lived through, opens the door to compassion, instead of judgment and punishment, by helping us all to realize that these unhealthy behaviors were not a choice these children made, but were normal, natural adaptive responses to inhumane conditions that they found themselves in by no choice of their own.

If you are interested in learning more about how ACEs are being assessed or to determine your own ACE score, click on the ACE SCORE CALCULATOR button below.

If you would like to read a summary of the ACEs study data presented by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), including prevention efforts based upon this growing awareness and understanding of developmental trauma, click on the SAMHSA button below.

ACE SCORE CALCULATOR
SAMHSA

 

Can talking about your emotions improve your heart health?

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A significant part of my family culture viewed emotional expression as unacceptable or, at least, unnecessary and would disengage or withdraw from anyone that openly displayed emotions.  Also, any public display of affection (PDA) was discouraged, so, as a young child, I learned to ignore my emotions to be accepted by my family.  It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I began to realize I struggled to ‘control’ my emotions and, when I couldn’t, my self-talk became very judgmental, making me think there was something wrong with me because I had these emotions that would leak out at the most inappropriate times.

I had a lot of practice at separating my physical sensations as precursors to full blown emotions from the thoughts my mind would form in response, telling myself often that you must be logical and rational and not move forward from an emotional or “irrational” experience.  I got skilled at ignoring even some basic biological needs, such as hunger as these experiences were not emanating from the mind’s rational control.  Now, learning to compartmentalize in this way is not necessarily detrimental in the moment.  In fact, it can be quite helpful in times of chaos or crisis.  However, after years of trying to follow the family rules of minimal emotional expression, I began to experience a degradation of my physical health, including an increase in my weight, blood pressure, blood sugar, and “bad” cholesterol levels.  And, as I mentioned, my emotions began exposing themselves more frequently, many times when I least expected them to do so.

It was at that point that I began searching for ways to get healthier, such as changing my diet and increasing exercise in my daily routine.  I also began traditional psychotherapy.  What I came to discover was that the level of stress I was experiencing was magnified by disowning my emotional self and trying to bring my emotions under rational control.  What I didn’t know at that time was that my amygdala, an area of the brain linked to stress, was in a heightened state of alert to danger, working overtime and causing a chain reaction of inflammation in my body.  When I began to learn how to befriend my feelings and not view them as the enemy that needs to be conquered, I started to sense an experience of relief.  As I got curious about my emotions and the messages behind them, I was able to begin to embrace the wisdom of my body and allow my emotions to have a voice in my decision-making and relationships.

Now, this wasn’t a quick and easy process.  I had to challenge not only my transgenerational, long-held family belief that emotions are BAD and I had to do so within a larger, societal culture that values the logical over the emotional.  Yet, with courage and support, the more I did, the better I felt.  Initially, I felt like an outsider or worse a traitor within my family.  It was also difficult at first to even identify the powerful emotions that I was experiencing as most of the time they were masked by anger.  As I learned to be more patient and accepting of myself, I was able to notice where I felt the emotions in my body and with the help of my psychotherapist, I was able to find a name for what I was feeling and explore why such emotions were arising.  Many times the sensations I would experience in my body would be pain in my head (i.e., tension headaches) or heaviness in my chest, around my heart, making it difficult to breathe.

As I got better at observing my body responses and understanding the messages behind my emotions, I was able to honor the wisdom and guidance being offered, instead of resisting, denying, or stuffing down my emotions.  I learned to listen more deeply to my body and respond to situations by integrating both the intelligence of the logical and the emotional parts of my mind.  As I did, my body rewarded me with an overall improvement in my physical health, including a lowering of my blood pressure, sugar, and cholesterol levels.  I also found that I didn’t need to spend so much energy trying to control my emotions, as my emotions became more naturally balanced and felt less overwhelming.  My personal experience convinced me that when we fear rejection or abandonment from our tribe and/or behave in ways to feel accepted by the people around us although those behaviors are uncomfortable and distressing our bodies try to absorb the chronic psychological stress of trying to “fit in and be someone we are not to avoid the emotional pain that might come from being different (and unacceptable).

So when a new research study was published in The Lancet, due to my own personal experience, it didn’t come as a surprise to me that the results reflect a link between how the brain manages stress and an increase in the risk of heart disease.  I always felt that there was a connection between the emotional pain of heart break (in other words, rejection and lack of acceptance) and the leading cause of death, heart dis-ease!

To read more about this new research, click the link below:

New study explores connection between chronic psychological stress and heart disease

 

How did “talk therapy” work for me?

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My journey to a life experienced with more awareness, insight, acceptance, compassion, gratitude, and ultimately forgiveness for myself and others did not just happen and I certainly wasn’t raised in an environment that supported such practices or values. My first encounter with therapy was when I was about 10 years old, when my single-mother-of-three-children took the family to the Division of Youth and Family Services for help. When I reflect on this early childhood encounter with the mental healthcare system, I wonder if it was the first step on the long and winding road to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist today. I do know that the experience opened me up at that very tender age to the fact that sometimes we need help from someone other than our family and friends, a route that I found myself taking at different stages of my life. I didn’t know that seeking support through therapy was viewed in our culture as a stigma, suggesting that I was either weak or crazy, as my mom was a platinum member of the therapy frequent flyer club who shared what her therapist said to her to anyone that was willing to listen.

Flash forward 20 years, when I find myself married, working two jobs and back at school to pursue a Master’s degree in Healthcare Administration (have I mentioned yet that I had acquired an overly developed work ethic by this point?). My attachment to work and “doing” (being productive), not creating enough time and space for my relationship with my partner or myself for that matter, and my need for a sense of value and belonging somewhere produced the ideal environment for the perfect storm. Just reflecting on that time through writing these words is making my belly and chest tight! I found myself back in therapy, both with my partner and individually, on-and-off for the next four years.

Initially, therapy did not progress smoothly as it took several attempts to finally find the ‘right’ therapist to help us as a couple and another one to help just me. I didn’t realize that every therapist had a different approach; all I knew is that after a couple of sessions I didn’t feel like I was being heard or understood. My partner was a bit more direct than I was when he would simply say “I don’t like him and I don’t want to go back”, so the search continued. Even after a ‘good fit’ was found for us to do the work, we would experience progress, terminate therapy, and then we would hit another pot hole and find ourselves back in session. It wasn’t until my therapist guided me to focus on and discuss my past relationships, specifically with my parents that the real healing and change began.

What I learned about myself – the past influences going back multiple generations in my family that shaped my world and how I learned to adapt to survive – was beyond powerful. On one side of my family, emotional expression was very high while on the other side, emotional expression was not tolerated – so what was I “to do” when I felt a moving emotion? I spent a great deal of energy stuffing my emotions down, only to have them leak out in some of the most inopportune moments. I would think to myself “Why can’t I control my emotions?” or “What is wrong with me?” My compassionate and patient therapist would listen to my stories of how I navigated between the chaos on one side of the road and the desert on the other side to avoid being flooded or dehydrated. She encouraged me to feel my emotions, explore the benefits of those emotions, and even discover new, more subtle (yet no less powerful) emotions such as compassion and gratitude.

Once I was able to honor my emotional intelligence and tap into the reservoir that I had built up over the years, I developed a very close and dear relationship with my emotions and now depend upon them for their guidance, especially the ones that most people try to avoid, such as anger, fear, sadness, and even helplessness. What I have come to understand and value is that all emotions serve a purpose and our overall health and well-being depend upon the ability to experience a broad range of them in order to live life to the fullest, especially in our relationships with our significant others where a deep emotional connection is the life preserver that helps us weather the many storms and pot holes life presents along the way.

I found myself back in therapy once again as I took the final steps on the path to becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. It was important to my development as a therapist to once again explore and expand my emotional awareness as I navigated this latest life transformation. Through my personal experience of therapy, my education, and my training, my view of life has grown. I now have a deeper appreciation for the resiliency of the human spirit as I developed a greater understanding of our reactions to life’s challenges as normal, natural adaptive responses motivated by a desire to stay connected, to be accepted, to belong, and to survive.

If my personal reflections on how ‘talk therapy’ changed my life and my relationships don’t convince you that psychotherapy works, check out some of the latest evidence gathered by researchers by clicking on the link below:

Latest evidence gathered by researchers